Michelle Saudan – How To “Be” In A Relationship
We know how to have a Mother, Father, Brother, Lover, Aunt etc, but do we know how to be in relationship first with ourselves and then with others?
Relationships of all sorts—whether with a partner, parent, friend, or co-worker—are essential to our happiness, but most of us don’t know how to be successful in them. We don’t always have the skills to create meaningful bonds with people who will support us in becoming our authentic selves.
“Every relationship is a function of the relationship you have with yourself”
The True Meaning of a Relationship
Most importantly, a relationship is the function of the relationship you have with yourself as people come into your life to show you the love that you are both capable of giving and receiving.
It is the soulful connection between two or more people with unconditional positive regard for self and others. So, in relationship with others you must take care of yourself. Your cup must “Runneth Over”, what flows over is what you are able to give forth to others and what remains in the cup is for yourself, but you have to make sure that your cup remains full.
A relationship is where you go to anchor and illustrate love – Love is the very true nature of what and who we are as beings. Relationships are the mirrors that reveal your fears, shortcomings, depth of and need for personal development.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves” Carl Jung- Swiss Psychiatrist
Every relationship aligns with your internal navigation system which follows:
What you think about yourself.
What you feel about yourself.
What you expect for yourself and from yourself.
- Bonding Patterns:
All relationships work based on the bonding pattern we have in our life and our bonding pattern in what is established when we are born. How we bond with our primary care giver.
Every time we go into a relationship regardless of the type- we will see this bonding pattern in operation. Your first bonding pattern was determined by nourishment, nurturing and fulfilment of needs and how it was delivered- also determines your expectations.
Based on bonding patterns, we take on certain characteristics and these determine what we become in the relationship:
- “The child” – due to being overly smothered as a child.
- “The parent”- One who may not have had emotionally or physically present care givers and therefore learnt to become very independent from a young age. So, you will feel the need to take on everything and be “the parent in your relationship.”
- “The Judge/The Critic”- Primary caregivers always who were very judgmental/critical leading you to become the Judge/Critic. You may find yourself swift to judge what people should, shouldn’t do or how they should be doing it.
All the above are who we become in relationships based on our bonding patterns until we REPROGRAM!
- Kinds of Relationships:
- Balance & Equality– Based on peace, honesty and trust, my needs are important just as yours are.
- Merit Based- Meet my needs and I’ll meet yours
Duty- I’ll do this for you if you do this for me, don’t ask me to change my habits and I won’t ask you to do the same.
The basics for any healthy relationship are loyalty, honesty, trust, support, love, commitment etc.
What breaks relationships down and what we need to fix in order to heal them or change them:
-Codependency- one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs.
-Suppression- Are you sacrificing everything that you end up withholding from yourself?
-Unpacked emotional baggage- Unpack it, forgive and release so the you can re-program yourself. Bear In mind that the things you avoid unpacking at times, can become the very things that keep popping up in your life consistently.
Guiding Principles For The Shift Toward A Healthy Relationship:
I am responsible for my own happiness
I am responsible for the choices I make
I am responsible for what goes on in my life
I am responsible for how I feel
I am responsible for what I do and don’t do
The shift happens when you no longer require anything OUTSIDE of you to take control and make the necessary changes. It takes work and that work means that you have to be open to learn/relearn how to trust and forgive yourself in the process.
What changes are you going to make today for your own happiness?
About The Author
Michelle hails from Zimbabwe and is currently based in Dubai. She has been serving in the Spa & Wellness Industry since 2010.
This life journey has taken her into Massage/Spa Therapy/Management, Life Coaching/Neuro Linguistic Programming, Sound Healing and Meditation.
She has been privileged to travel to 67 Countries which has granted her both great exposure to the diverse Wellness culture as well as the opportunity to be an instrument of Wellbeing globally.
To find out more visit:
Website: Yemaya Experiences